Botched: How Archeology Movies Should Be

Kit Ryan’s "Botched" is the Indiana Jones of horror movies. Maybe not in terms of budget, but never taking itself too seriously and ridiculous misadventures makes it a lot more entertaining than Brendan Frasier or Nicolas Cage’s attempts to play Harrison Ford’s treasure hunter.

Wanting to pay of his family’s debt, Ritchie (Stephen Dorff) returns to his mother’s homeland of Russia to steal a cross that belongs to the descendants of Czar Ivan: The Terrible. When the building’s security becomes aware of the robbery, the lift is stopped on the thirteenth floor, trapping Ritchie and anyone unlucky enough to end up in the elevator. One of the “hostages” is decapitated by a huge set of scissors and the floor’s features artwork that would make Leatherface proud leads Ritchie to the realization that everyone has become the targets of the blood thirst of Ivan’s most recent set of grandchildren.

Check out the rest of review at "Ninety For Chill: A More Acceptable Runtime"

.45 or a Feminist's Adrenaline Tease

If I tell any of my friends that I rented a straight to video Milla Jovovich film, an explanation is expected from me. To that, all I can say is,  "I am just optimistic."

She always seems to give her heart into every role, and I can't say that I've seen a bad performance. Surely she has another "Fifth Element" in her. Fuck Sam Rockwell for landing the lead in "Moon". Just imagine the potential of a kooky Milla isolated with a Kevin Spacey voiced robot.

If only we could some how set "The Miracle Worker" in space, Milla Jovovich would have gone full circle.

Perhaps ".45" was...okay...is just to fringe for a theatrical release. Hollywood knows that she has some drawing power, but I guess she isn't a sure enough bet to bring Stephen Dorff back to the big screen. Thank God for Johnny Depp and Michael Mann for Stephen's sake.

It's sad that Dorff is pretty much considered to be a younger Val Kilmer, so it must mean he's only straight to video talent now. So it may never be Milla's fault for gracing the "new release" wall instead of a 3-D cut out. It's just the supporting cast bringing her down.

• "You Stupid Man" - David Krumholtz (better known as one of the Harold and Kumar jews), William Baldwin, Denise Richards
• ".45" - Stephen Dorff, Angus MacFayden, Aisha Tyler

This may actually be an unfair correlation with .45. This story wouldn't make any bank at the box office because it is brutal, and that is not in an action-packed way. It wouldn't have been in a bad way, but this film is a kick return team member wanting to play hero by charging an onside kick. .45 knew what it wanted to be, but wasn't sure how to be it.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.