Just because it's Michael Jackson doesn't make it 80's

Stuck inside because I don't have any money to go outside...or a good cause to beg for money. My apologies to The Goddamn Pimps, but it is just too much trouble to start a credit card tab at SOP's on a Saturday night.

The Peoria Theater cannot draw me out with their 80's double feature of "The Goonies" and "The Wiz". I am not objecting to the prior. That's grounds for taking "my child of the 80's" card away, and no matter how many times I wreck that edition of Trivial Pursuit, it won't be given back.

Of course, The Goonies, is everything that is good about the 80's. The only things missing from it are Corey Haim and a young black midget. That would have made the film perfect if it had Tony Cox ("Bad Santa") and Anne "Mama Fratelli" Ramsey kicking around Robert Davi and Joe Pantoliano. Imagine a Sloth/Cox showdown. The film was already 114 minutes long, may as well make it an even two.

Stevens Spielberg and Chris Columbus owe us six extra pages of ethnic and childhood obesity jokes. Why did they hold back? Chunk and Short Round are immortalized by you guys. They should be more than happy with further ridicule for eternal glory. Then again, Columbus has never been daring, but for the garbage that was only redeemed by Jonathan Ke Quan released a year earlier, Steve owes us ("The Color Purple" was not enough, especially for putting your name on the Bayformers franchise).

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.