Botched: How Archeology Movies Should Be

Kit Ryan’s "Botched" is the Indiana Jones of horror movies. Maybe not in terms of budget, but never taking itself too seriously and ridiculous misadventures makes it a lot more entertaining than Brendan Frasier or Nicolas Cage’s attempts to play Harrison Ford’s treasure hunter.

Wanting to pay of his family’s debt, Ritchie (Stephen Dorff) returns to his mother’s homeland of Russia to steal a cross that belongs to the descendants of Czar Ivan: The Terrible. When the building’s security becomes aware of the robbery, the lift is stopped on the thirteenth floor, trapping Ritchie and anyone unlucky enough to end up in the elevator. One of the “hostages” is decapitated by a huge set of scissors and the floor’s features artwork that would make Leatherface proud leads Ritchie to the realization that everyone has become the targets of the blood thirst of Ivan’s most recent set of grandchildren.

Check out the rest of review at "Ninety For Chill: A More Acceptable Runtime"

Donkey Punch: A great what if movie

Zombie Cupcake: Donkey Punch

It seems that British cinema will allow for anything to be filmed as long as it has a strong moral message. Oliver Blackburn’s "Donkey Punch" teaches that the western culture derived practice of the missionary is safest while providing the audience with gratuitous nudity (for both genders to enjoy), graphic violence, and "John Carpenter’s Halloween’s" extreme punishment for the partaking in vices.

Read the rest of the blog at MainEventoftheDead.com and let me know if my humor, satire and movie knowledge can translate into a B-Movie comedy about zombies and pro-wrestling.

Assassination of a High School President: Because there wasn't enough jail bait in "The Usual Suspects"

The 2008 Sundance Film Festival hit, "Assassination of a High School President" wide release was prevented due to its own ambitions. Not having the finances to be distributed on the big screen, DVD has now allowed audiences to see what would be considered the “Heathers” of this generation. Finally, there is a film that allows all of us to forget about the mockery that the "High School Musical" trilogy made of the first truly turbulent time in all of our lives.

“Assassination of a High School President” successfully brings crime drama to a realm that almost every audience can relate to. Nothing in this film seems too farfetched, and its brilliant script and performances should be able to keep the attention of any movie goer. The most impressive thing about this film is that witty to enough to allow the viewer to accept a story that centers around: sex, drugs and violence all involving teenagers. A must see form fans of modern film noir, and those who embrace “American Pie” as the film that defines their generation.

Check out my review for this classic at:

Ninety for Chill - A More Acceptable Runtime

Against the Dark: Steven Seagal lazyly fights the Undead

What does not sound good about this premise? Steven Seagal faces off against vampires with the support of Linden Ashby (Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat) and Keith David. This sounds like made for video gold as long as it can deliver regardless of whether or not the director gives their all. Unfortunately, "Against the Dark" fails on the box art promises and fails to give us vampires or enough Seagal.

It is not like there is not enough of him to go around no matter how the dark and claustrophobic scenes try to cover it. The story focuses on the survival of six people trying to escape a hospital filled with the infected. The only thing vampiric about these monsters is they stay out of the sun light and occasionally try to reason (a total of three times in 94 minutes), otherwise they are pretty much running zombies. Seagal and his group of hunters are only out to kill these confused undead and they show up every now and then, but by no means are they truly intricate to the plot especially since our protagonist never decides to stick with the bad asses.

Check out the rest of review at "Ninety For Chill: A More Acceptable Runtime"

The Midnight Meat Train - Takes us back to a better, bloodier time.

To bring Generation X back to our teenage renting practices might be what Lionsgate was looking for with Ryuhei Kitamura’s adaptation of a Clive Barker short story "The Midnight Meat Train". This was the time in their life when they would either go to a movie, or only visit the horror movie aisle of a video store and try to decide which film offered the coolest gore and quintessential nudity.

When a hip art dealer (Brooke Shields) tells Leon (Bradley Cooper of "The Hangover") that he is failing as a photographer, and suggest that he needs to be brave to capture New York City the way it really is. Convinced of this, Leon goes out late at night to shoot its seedier elements.

During this quest to capture the dark side of NYC, he winds up crossing the path of a Mahogany (Vinnie Jones of "Snatch" and "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels"), a loner who always rides the 2:05 am train, and the missing fashion model he last saw boarding. Leon decides to follow him to piece together his case that he is culprit, and ends ups taking his girlfriend and himself to even darker subject matter.

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

July and August Movies 2009

The last two months of summer are usually the best time for movie releases till after Thanksgiving. Audiences only deal with minimal blockbuster BS, and are treated to films that are just main stream enough to make money and earn accolades.

July 10:

• "Bruno" - It did not seem to get the same reception as Sacha Baron Cohen's last starring vehicle, "Borat." There may have been a backlash towards the exploitative style of film making, but critics were not overly harsh to the project, but not as rabid as they'd been for "Borat". Still, Cohen might be the contender for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical when he Golden Globes come around.
• "I Love You, Beth Cooper" - A PG-13 movie about teenage corruption is a paradox. It should not happen. With the more intelligent "Assassination of a High School President" making it to DVD this fall, this film will hopefully be forgotten even though I cannot say it was necessarily bad.

July 24:

• "G-Force" - I had fun watching this film. The only thing I would complain about is that it wasn't completely animated. People who were cast as people instead of rodents were done so because they look odd. Bill Nighy was cast because he's a creepy Brit, and Zach Galifianakis looks funny. None of their abilities as actors are used, so why not take the time to just draw these caricatures?
• "Orphan" - A tried horror concept in a time of bad horror movies. This is not a good thing.
• "The Ugly Truth" - Katherine Heigl in R-Rated comedies seems to work, and it would be nice to see Gerard Butler portray someone who is not shouting all the time. Otherwise, nothing unique about this flick.

July 31:

• "Aliens in the Attic" - Enough with the damn aliens this year. Didn't we just have a cute live-action animated flick?
• "The Collector" - Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan might be the smartest minds in horror, but if the film is not as intense as the latter "Saw" trilogy, it can't be good. Still, when "Saw" is mentioned, awards won't be.
• "Funny People" - It is a film that could have crossed Judd Apatow over to serious cinema, but I haven't heard anyone say that it did.

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

"Don't let your babies grow up to be Cubs Fans, and always remember to spay or neuter your White Sox Fans," Russ Stevens

May and June Movies 2K9

It took me a while to even want to go out and see the new releases in these months. My blog At the gimmick because we can't call them movies can sum the reasoning behind this up. I may just be too jaded, but it's tough to go see a blockbuster?

Effects are first and substance second. George Lucas proved to us that we can have both, but is Hollywood out to prevent a massive nerd population from developing? Surely, science fiction is not the only genre that can provide us with substance and special effects. Perhaps if we just keep Michael Bay from the director's chair, we can move forward in the quest to create excellent blockbusters.

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

"Don't let your babies grow up to be Cubs Fans, and always remember to spay or neuter your White Sox Fans," Russ Stevens

Zombieland: The Uncut Critique

I cannot say that I am happy with the Arts and Entertainment editor of ICC's Harbinger student news paper. My review for "Zombieland" is the second one in which he has cut out my introduction (the other being my review of for "Inglourious Basterds"), and after reviewing the finer points of my last review also, he does not feel it necessary to include my knowledge and personal opinions to further rave about why one should see the films.

If my reviews were over a page long, I'd understand. Heck, I cannot say that I'd be miffed if he cut out 46 words to make it an even five hundred. But without incite into my incites, my reviews are no better than those of quote whores (since he also decided to omit mentioning that I wrote a negative review for "The Informant!") and as bland as the reviews the Journal Star pulls off the AP wire to simply have movie reviews.

And I believe that what is omitted is done to allow an image that takes up too much space in the paper that is relative to the film. It was a virtual spread for Brad Pitt in my "Basterds" review that did not share the page with any other stories in it's issue. When it comes to my "Zombieland "review, it seemed unnecessary to put the image featured in the review when it was already used on the front page of the paper.



Check out the rest of review at "Ninety For Chill: A More Acceptable Runtime.

March and April Movie 2K9

I was still catching up with the 2008 Oscar race at this time. Slumdog Millionaire one weekend Milk the next The Wrestler following. With the exception of Watchmen, these were months that I regret not figuring out a way to live in Wrigleyville to avoid all the holiday fodder. This blog maybe fun to write just to know what I was skipping, because lets face it, nothing that is suppose to be in Top 10 list is released prior to May and for the most part November.

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Diary of the Dead: Romero's Latest Relevant Zombie Flick

Finally, directors are utilizing the ultimate kick ass chick, Zoe Bell.

For those who object to the dialogue (being unrealistic, "girls don't talk like that") in "Death Proof", they could still enjoy the film's FYR element of a real stunt woman being the lead character thus making the experience of sitting through the film's first half and "Planet Terror" a worthwhile one. In an industry that is more faddy than NFL offenses, it was only a matter of time for another director to try and capture what carried the last two acts of a Quentin Tarantino film. Sadly, "Angel of Death" did not have the means to capture all of Zoe Bell's awesomeness, but it's a start, and well worth my waiting for a month for it to enter the "5 Day" rental category.

Eve has been the best hit person for the Downes Family because she does not question the orders her agent gives her and she won't take time for regrets. This all changes when she takes a four inch blade into her skull. No seizures, no sever headaches, but she starts to experience hallucinations of her past assignments. To put an end to these demons, she is going to try and set all her wrong rights by stopping those who put the innocent at risk.

Check out the rest of review at "Ninety For Chill: A More Acceptable Runtime"

Movies of 2009 Thus Far

I found a tweet last night from film critic Chris Gore (best known, or at least I know him from G4's Attack of the Show) about Zombieland

With 10 possible Best Picture nominees, @Zombieland has a chance at Oscar gold! Badassawesome! A zombie wave4u: http://tinyurl.com/y8wpd7a

Certainly this is a satirical statement, but because of that, it leaves me to wonder about the quality of movies this year. Can a zombie flick (not directed by George A. Romero) be one of the ten best films this year?

So, lets partake with a week by week break down of what has been offered by Hollywood.

January 2 (based on information gathered from film-releases.com:)

Only movies that were released were limited to the coasts. Can't base any conclusions from that.

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Kristy Swanson: A Tragic Detour to My SLC Punk Coverage

As I wait to watch my SLC Punk DVD at 9 a.m., I flip through the channels, so I could have some background noise as I write down some preliminary thoughts.

Before I settle on "Ninja Warrior", I flipped through the Encore movie channels and find out something disturbing. Kristy Swanson was the star of "Mannequin 2: On the Move."

She really had no hope of making the A-List. One can claim that she had her chances to make it, and lord knows she tried (like the sex scene in "The Chase"). But when you are portraying a character because Kim Cattrall turned it down, and you portrayed another one that Joss Whedon was dying to rewrite, sympathy is all that her adoring public can offer.

Read the rest of this blog other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

"Don't let your babies grow up to be Cubs Fans, and always remember to spay or neuter your White Sox Fans," Russ Stevens